It still hurts

Every day someone asks me “how is Emily doing now?” And I answer “she is doing great thank you, just like a regular baby”…however still small for her actual age, but thats understandable! 

Every day someone asks me “how are you?” And in the British way I answer “not bad thanks, how are you?” Because that is generally what they want to hear. 

If someone asked me “how are you doing now, after every that happened?” the answer would be very different and not very British. In fact, probably more Scottish with the F word for commas. 

Everyday it still hurts. I still think about the 15 weeks she spent in hospital and how that was hard for all of us. I think about not going to term with my baby and have flashbacks to the event itself. Fane and I still talk about it because everyday we still relive it all in our heads. And it still makes me feel sick and frightened because we easily could have lost her.

I still feel stabbing guilt for what it put Alex through and how much she had to grow up so quickly. That she had to spend her last long summer before starting school visiting the hospital most days. That she had to wait for the simplest request when I had to express, but she was also helpful and so understanding to the situation. That the first time she held her baby sister, she was covered in canulas and long lines.

I feel angry every day that I couldn’t be with Emily 24/7, that I couldn’t give her every feed and change every nappy and hold her hand everytime she was poked and prodded. I am still angry to this day that a nurse put her in her first set of clothes. I didn’t express it on the day as i was so grateful that she had just been transferred to Bedford, but I am still angry. 
I am also angry that my maternity leave started 3 and a half months early. That plans were thrown out the window and that we took a massive financial hit when we needed funds to get to and from Cambridge (and hitchin for Fane). My actual maternity pay ends in a week when Emily is 9 months old, but only 5 and a half corrected. I am lucky enough to have a lot of holiday that I can take to make up for the first 15 weeks, but most people dont have that privelage. 

I feel guilty everyday that Emily is doing fantastically, where as many other premature babies will feel the life long affect of coming too soon. 

I still hurt, I’m still angry, and I still cry. 

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